


The Recipe for Boys

by infinite_wonders



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Alpha Genji Shimada, Alpha Jesse McCree, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, Attempt at Humor, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Multi, OT3, Omega Hanzo Shimada, POV Jesse McCree, Sarcasm, Shenanigans, slightly AU, slightly cracky
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 16:03:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10700376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinite_wonders/pseuds/infinite_wonders
Summary: In which Hanzo handles Genji’s and Jesse’s fuck ups with a terrifying sort of efficiency, while screwing up his own in a spectacular way.Also, there’s a baby involved.





	The Recipe for Boys

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so some quick notes!
> 
> 1) This is a slightly AU world where Hanzo joins Overwatch sooner. Ana and Reaper haven't been revealed as alive yet, but the rest of them have all been Overwatch proper for like, 5 years or so. Time is a construct, etc.
> 
> 2) This is also Alpha/Beta/Omega, which actually doesn't play much of a role yet. I say yet because I do plan to bring it more the fore eventually. Incidentally, this is also OT3 which, considering that I have no real frame of reference, I did my best to make it work. So.
> 
> 3) There are places where Hanzo comes across as downright awful, but that's half mission mode, half his regular personality.
> 
> 4) This is unbeta'ed so let me know if I need to fix anything.

The official report reads that, during the course of an infiltration mission in one of the Talon bases near Riga, Agents Shimada, Shimada, Mcree, and Amari happened upon a laboratory. Upon cracking the passcode and gaining entry, they discovered that there was a baby strapped to a table and, upon further investigation, that there was monitoring equipment attached to the child. This implied importance because, if nothing else, Talon didn’t do things without having a reason for it. There was also no caretaker to be seen. 

After some discussion, the only choice they could make was to take the child with them, back to a place that the agents knew to be safe so that analysis could occur and Talon’s undoubtedly evil plot could be stopped short.

As one would suspect after reading the report and realizing just who was on the mission, the reality was much, _much_ less glamorous and much more of an unadulterated shitshow.

Unfortunately, even the actual people who'd actually been on that mission couldn't give a linear progression of events to save their lives, because one minute there had been radio silence and then there was a screaming baby in their midst.

In the end, all anyone can agree on is that it's Jesse's fault (which he finds blatantly unfair), and that Genji had thrown oil into the flame, as he does. 

***

"What the hell is that?" Pharah asks, even though she has to know, probably because she wants someone to tell her literally anything else other than what it is.

"Uh," is Jesse's less than intelligent response, because he knows that look on Pharah’s face. She is her mother’s daughter, after all, and Ana had always leveled that look at him before she tried to kill him. Which is how he knows--he has no answer that won’t get his ass kicked six ways to Sunday. Jesse misses a lot of things about Ana but her shitfits ain’t one of them, and he is so not interested in going through another one of those, courtesy of her kid. He’s damned well going to keep his mouth shut until someone else says it first. 

"Is that...?" Genji can't even finish his sentence and Jesse can practically see his mate’s thoughts in his body language, which mostly seems to consist of: Who the-- what the-- _why?_ What sort of use would Talon even have for a-- a--

As usual, it’s Hanzo who steps up, forever the one in charge even though his dynamic would imply otherwise by most people’s estimation. “Get rid of it,” he says very calmly as he begins to walk towards the table, with a certain amount of intent in every step.

That level of threat has never meant well for anyone, ever, Jesse knows.

Therefore, it's Jesse who reacts first, because he's used to bodily placing himself between various people, Hanzo, and grievous bodily harm-- whatever configuration that particular combination may fall into. Although, he does want it on record that he is absolutely more appalled than he usually is. 

“What the hell does that even mean, Han,” he asks, even though he already knows, even as he starts detaching the baby so he can get it away from Hanzo as possible without making it look he is, in fact, shielding the child from some of Hanzo’s more dangerous mission related impulses.

“It is a liability,” is Hanzo’s response, which--ok. Jesse should have possibly seen this coming. Possibly he should be more prepared for his mate to lose his shit since it’s a recurring event in their lives and Hanzo’s mindset isn’t exactly news to anyone. Hanzo, who is still utterly tranquil, as though baby-murder is something he considers every day. Who Jesse had willingly and of sane mind, mated with and loves with everything he has in him that isn’t dedicated to cowboy paraphernalia. Right.

“We cannot afford it on this mission,” Hanzo says while Jesse’s trying to get to his happy place, where Hanzo isn't suggesting what Jesse thinks he's suggesting, which is honestly a little difficult because he is simultaneously freeing a squirming, screaming, honest-to-god baby from its cold metal prison. “It must be taken care of.”

And well, Jesse has to stop what he’s doing for just a second so he can gape, because that’s more of an outright threat than Hanzo usually indulges in.

Fortunately, Genji, who is also mated to Hanzo and has the added benefit of a few years of prior experience with the more single-minded, borderline sociopathic version that comes out when there are important missions, is only a second behind Jesse in stepping up to defend the kid, thank Jesus.

He flips his faceplate open just as Hanzo is about to say something undoubtedly terrifying, because they all know that he is going to need every advantage in his arsenal to reason with Hanzo while he’s in mission mode. “Anija,” he scolds, his hands on his hips as though he’s telling Hanzo to stop shirking his household chores rather than trying to prevent him from committing the murder of an infant. 

Which, ok. 

Jesse can understand, because the two of them have spent a lot of time trying to get Hanzo to come out of his shell and outright accusing him of something as horrifying as potential infanticide is just not conducive to what they’re working toward.

But still. This sort of behavior has to be addressed.

“We are a part of Overwatch now, and we must act as such,” Genji says, carefully choosing his words so that he is in no way singling Hanzo out, “We did not leave our old lives behind so that we can continue to carry on as we used to.” Because Genji was Yakuza too, before he became a better person and achieved Nirvana or whatever, and Jesse wasn’t much better what with being a gangbanger with the Deadlock gang. Hanzo deserves to know that he is not alone in his quest for redemption-- that they all have things that they are still repenting for. 

He’s just starting to understand that he’s is still loved even when Jesse or Genji (or, godforbid, both of them, simultaneously) don’t approve of one of his actions and both he and Genji tend to err on the side of caution when it comes to telling Hanzo off. Even if it’s sorely needed in this case.

Still, it’s always a toss up in situations like these--there's no telling how Hanzo will react until it's too damned late.

Thankfully, this time, Genji’s words get taken in the spirit in which they’re intended.

Hanzo merely nods once and takes a step back and proceeds to stare at-- well, it looks like he’s staring at the far wall but he could also be going into his own head and finding something else to hate himself over. Either way, the baby survives and probably (hopefully) nobody has hurt feelings, so Jesse considers that a win and starts to relax a little.

His mistake.

As usual, it’s Pharah who steps up to ruin things, as she’s prone to (and is probably genetically predisposed towards) doing.

“Ok,” she says as impatient as ever, “We’re not going to kill it. Good choices all around. Yay us. Now can you put it down so we can keep going?”

Suffice it to say, Jesse is back to being outraged in no time flat.

***

The argument that follows, as one would expect, is nothing short of a screaming match, radio silence be damned.

Thinking back on it, they're all surprised that they weren't picked off by Talon agents while they were shouting loudly and making no real effort to hide.

“We can’t just leave a little baby like that,” Jesse argues at the top of his lungs. “And I don’t particularly want the death of one on my conscience either, thank you very much,” he adds on, when he sees Hanzo open his mouth to contribute.

Pharah, who is nothing if not her mother’s daughter and twice as stubborn, snarls in response. “The mission comes first,” she argues back, “one baby’s safety does not outweigh the safety of the world at large, or even our own. It is a liability.”

Jesse takes a second to ascertain the baby’s gender before glaring at Pharah again. “ _He_ ,” he hurls back, “is not a thing. He’s a person. The very start of one, I’ll grant ya that, and he can’t have much of a personality yet. But he will! I know it!”

Genji, who is clearly on Jesse’s side (which, bless that beautiful man of his) decides to try and take the philosophical approach in all this. “And who are we to decide who is more important?” he asks, “There is no comparing the value of one life to another’s.” 

And when it seems that Pharah isn’t swayed, he decides to try another tack, because logic will win where philosophy will clearly not. “Also,” he says, sounding every bit as tired and irritated as Jesse feels at having to defend the idea of actually saving a baby, God forbid, “we do not actually understand why Talon has this child at all. For all we know, it may behoove us to take it to headquarters to do a threat assessment. This may even actually be what we came here for.”

Which is actually a pretty valid point. Jesse sort of wishes that he’d thought of it himself and saved himself the headache.

Everyone else seems to agree except, of course, Hanzo, who instead steps forward to raise an eyebrow. “So that’s your solution,” he says slowly, all condescending eyebrows and disdain and pretty in a way which would have gotten Jesse hot and bothered under any other circumstance. “Your grand plan is to carry an infant who clearly does not belong to any of us, through the capital of Latvia where it is already far too easy for us to draw attention to ourselves. And then, assuming we all manage to survive the trip, to get it to Overwatch for analysis.” 

“All,” he goes on to add mildly, “while completing an actual, sanctioned mission of great importance, within a given time frame.”

Jesse beams at him and pointedly ignores the gender pronoun that Hanzo clearly chooses to leave out. 

He also elbows at Genji until he does the same.

Hanzo rolls his eyes.

Jesse grins. He knows defeat when it’s 5’8, pretty, and sighing like his life is a burden that he has to contend with.

***

Of course, not one of them manages to realize the problem with spiriting away a child who could be anywhere between 2 months and 2 years, for all they know. Except maybe Hanzo, who chooses to keep it to himself, because he is a raging asshole on even his best days, bless him.

For a full minute, there is silence. No mission, no shouting, just peace. Then Pharah has to open her goddamned mouth again, because she probably actually enjoys being the harbinger of bad news and/or calamity, the witch.

“Does anyone here even know how to deal with the thing?” 

Jesse reaches around, without even looking, to smack her across the head. In the process, he nearly drops the baby and only manages to catch him through a combination of years of honing his reflexes and his own heretofore nonexistent alpha instincts where younglings are concerned.

“Babies are not things,” he says with great dignity, even as he tries to figure out how exactly to hold one of these things. He eventually settles on carrying the kid like a football. You can’t just drop one of those in the middle of a game, and Jesse figures that the same principle would apply here.

Genji beams approvingly at him, which is very, very nice.

Hanzo pinches the bridge of his nose to stave off a migraine, which is less nice, but he’s also doing that thing where he’s trying and failing not to look all warm and fond.

Predictably, it’s at that moment that the baby starts wailing the roof down.

Things become even more of a shitshow after that.

***

It becomes very, very obvious, very, very quickly that none of them know how to care for a child. This is made abundantly clear because the baby does not stop crying-- not through breaking back out of the laboratory, or through actually getting out of the base, and certainly not through getting shot at across the perimeter to where their getaway plane is waiting to whisk them off. 

They all try or rather, Jesse and Genji try, to appease the child but nothing seems to work. Not the funny faces, not the cooing, and definitely not outright, unashamed begging.

Hanzo has long since stepped into the cockpit, which is, incidentally, the furthest away he could be without physically flinging himself off the plane. 

Pharah is doing that thing where she’s twitching, as though she’s curbing every instinct in her to throw the kid off the plane, instead.

The baby, though, just keeps on crying and crying and doesn’t stop.

By the time two straight hours of wailing has passed, everyone is ready to give up. Pharah’s found something to stuff her ears with and is off meditating or whatever it is Amari women do to curb their killing impulses. Genji looks like if this continues on for much longer, he may start crying too. 

Even Hanzo looks like he’d be willing to try if it means that the kid would stop. The problem, though, is that silencing someone has always been something more, uh, permanent in Hanzo’s world and he clearly doesn’t know how to translate that into suddenly childcare.

That sets both Jesse’s and Genji’s teeth on edge-- Genji keeps moving a little bit closer to the baby with every glance that Hanzo sends his way and Jesse’s pretty sure that if he holds the kid any tighter, he’s going to end up crushing him.

By hour three, they’re all getting pretty desperate. Every long winded wail is like a non-corporeal kill shot straight to the brain and even Jesse and Genji are starting to question their life choices where this child is concerned.

In a move that completely showcases the fact that you can remove the boy from the staunchly traditional family in Japan but you can’t erase that sort of influence without more distance and education than he currently has, Genji turns to Pharah. “You are both a woman and an omega,” he says pleadingly, “Is there nothing you can do to make him stop?” He’s clearly beyond caring because he ignores both Jesse’s frantic cut it out gestures and also the darkening expressions on Pharah’s and Hanzo’s faces.

“Oh I’m sorry,” Pharah says with a scowl, “As both a woman and an omega, I had a suggestion already. You shot it down, remember?”

Genji looks exasperated by this point. “We couldn’t let you kill a baby.”

Hanzo merely scoffs in his direction before pointedly moving two steps backward. “Then you may reap what you sow.”

His words say that he is washing his hands of the whole discussion; his tone says that, as soon as they are back on base and have some privacy, Genji is getting his ass kicked.

Jesse’s just glad that it’s not him this time.

***

Finally, after four straight hours of nonstop crying, Hanzo snaps. He stalks to where Jesse and Genji are tiredly rocking the baby in despair, snatches said baby out of their collective jumble of arms, and actually physically growls, all guttural instinct and flashing eyes.

It’s enough of a surprise that all three of them get real quiet, real quick. Even the kid. Especially the kid. Which, praise the powers that be because even Jesse’s starting to lose it at this point.

“You will be quiet,” he says, his voice rumbling and distantly quiet in that way that means that he’s basically on his last nerve before he starts indiscriminately destroying all objects and/or people in reaching distance. Admittedly, this would be a terrible turn of events since they’re on a plane and all.

Thankfully for everyone involved, for the first time since this whole thing started, the baby stays silent.

***

The first thing that Hanzo does upon acquiring (forcibly commandeering?) the baby is to look it straight in the eye and, well, Jesse isn’t sure what else to call it other than posturing. There’s growling, and staring, and a whole lot things involved with establishing the hierarchy exactly the way an Alpha would with a recalcitrant pack mate. 

Jesse finds this incredibly ironic and also hilarious considering that Hanzo is, well, decidedly not an Alpha and is also, incidentally, staring down an infant. 

Not that either of those things have ever stopped Hanzo from taking charge before.

But hell if it doesn’t work because they don’t hear a peep out of that baby the entire time.

The second thing he does is stick his hand out in Jesse’s face, making expectant grabby hands at him, except somehow more dignified, because Hanzo Shimada would never act so plebian.

That doesn’t mean Jesse knows what he wants though.

“What,” he asks, and makes a mental note to, once again, have a conversation with Hanzo about using his words. Mostly, Jesse has gotten better at reading Hanzo rather than Hanzo verbalizing anything, much less something he wants. 

But he lives in hope and all that.

Unimpressed doesn’t even begin to describe the look that Hanzo levels him with, but he does respond with a quietly demanding, “I require your sash.” So Jesse is going to consider that a win in his column. 

The only thing is, Jesse doesn’t wear a sash and he can’t hand over something he doesn’t have, which is unfortunate because he is a big believer in positive reinforcement. 

Of course, when he says so, he gets impatient noises made at him.

“The sash,” Hanzo says again, looking irritated to be repeating himself. “You are wearing it around your neck.”

Even with the extra descriptor, Jesse spends a whole second wondering what the hell his mate is talking about, before it hits him-- because nobody has ever called it a sash to his knowledge. “My bandana?” he asks, even as he starts taking it off, “What do you need it for?” 

He regrets asking when Hanzo merely turns his back and starts taking off the kid’s-- oh God.

Genji spends five full minutes laughing until his headscarf is repurposed for the same endeavor, and then he’s got the same look of horrified revulsion in his eyes.

“At least your clothes won’t touch actual shit,” Jesse says, miserable but still trying to comfort.

“That’s what you think,” Genji says darkly, glowering at the baby as though daring it to poop before his ribbon comes off.

Hanzo turns back and gives them the thousand yard stare, the one he gives to their enemies before they get eaten by his dragons, usually. “Did I mate with two fully grown Alphas or with children,” he asks, “I only ask because I must know now if I am to acquire diapers for the two of you as well.”

He ignores the twin whines that they aim at him in order to focus on the baby that they now, finally and mostly jokingly, regret saving.

“I would ask for a divorce,” Genji says, all petulant misery as he curls up against Jesse’s shoulder, “but he would likely actually give me one and then run before I could retract my words. And then where would we be?”

Jesse hums soothingly and says, “Too true, it’d probably take us years to find him again.”

Genji sighs and curls further in. “It is not worth the risk.”

***

What happens next is something they should have all seen coming, because Hanzo is nothing if not terrifyingly efficient. But somehow, not one of them actually expects it.

"How...are you doing this?" Genji asks, his voice weak and also somewhat awed as he watches Hanzo organize the baby with all the seriousness he would devote to a sensitive Overwatch op. He knows his brother. He grew up with his brother. He would know if Hanzo had somehow managed to sneak baby lessons in over the years in between all the other things he’d had to undoubtedly learned. He keeps saying so to anyone who will listen, which turns to be mostly Jesse.

Hanzo raises an eyebrow even as he continues to stare the baby down into being quiet. "What exactly do you think I did for those many years in Hanamura?"

“Well," Genji deliberates, because he needs to answer as carefully as possible. Hanamura as a whole is a ticking time bomb, ready to explode and trip Hanzo into an abyss of self-loathing and internalized rage. "Uh," Jesse says in his place when Genji clearly begins to flounder, "ran your family's, uh, various business endeavors with an iron fist?"

Hanzo snorts, undignified in a way that he's only recently begun to allow himself to be, and only around Jesse and Genji. "That is one way to phrase it," he says with a shrug and a smirk. "An over glorified way to state what it truly was, as was required by dint of being a Shimada, of course. Although I suppose baby sitting our subordinates was worse in a way. At least this particular baby can follow basic instructions."

"Of course, you two have been the best practice of all," he continues on to say because he still loves pulling on both of their pigtails, even though they’ve been mated for going on two years. "Granted, you are both, at a minimum, about 150 centimeters taller and have most of your teeth. But they do say that all babies mature at different paces." He gives a wide nod, "Perhaps your time is in the near future."

On one hand, Jesse is so, so glad that Hanzo is comfortable enough to say such things now, isn't so inured in memories of the past that he holds Genji (and by proxy, Jesse) at a length with unfailing politeness and guarded words.

On the other hand though, meeting Hanzo’s expectation of their collective immaturity usually has good results.

"So cruel, Hanzo," Genji whines like the child his brother professes him to be, "So mean. I thought I was your favorite brother!"

Jesse merely pouts at him, all exaggerated doe eyes and downturned lips.

They’re rewarded with a quiet chuckle, so hard to draw out and so carefully hoarded by the both of them when it happens. 

"To be fair," Hanzo says, voice filled with mirth and clearly not noticing the twin looks of adoration being aimed directly at his face, "you are my only brother."

Genji snorts and scoots over to drape himself on Hanzo, allowing the brightness in Hanzo's eyes to buoy him as he nuzzles in. "We both know that isn't true. The old man couldn't keep it in his pants for the life of him."

Hanzo makes a face like he’s thinking about this fact, shrugs, and then makes Jesse come over to cuddle him on the side opposite from Genji. 

He doesn’t like having an uneven body temperature.

***

“So,” Jesse asks much later because he is damned curious and also because he’s a little pissed, even though it’s hard to keep that in consideration when he’s got his arms full of his mates. Still, for four hours they had suffered, could have had a happy baby and blessed, blessed silence, and all Hanzo really had to do was glare at the kid. He wants answers. “Why didn’t you do your baby voodoo on him before? Would’ve come in real handy before, you know.”

He should’ve known better than to ask, honestly. He realizes this within about two seconds of asking, because Genji glares at him over Hanzo’s head and also because he’s done this before and lived to regret it then too. It’s too late to take it back now though, so all Jesse can do it ride it out.

Hanzo merely raises an eyebrow and somehow manages to look imperious despite being all but cuddled up between his mates, and also having a baby in his lap. “First,” he lists, “I did not wish to rescue the child. The two of you overrode all protests from both Ms. Amari and I to bring the child back to Gibraltar. Therefore he is your responsibility and not mine.“ 

“I only stepped in when it became clear that the only options left were to either silence him, or toss him out of the plane,” he shrugs, ignoring the deeply uncomfortable looks on both Jesse’s and Genji’s faces with practiced ease, “I chose the option which would keep your consciences clear and also achieve the desired result.”

And ooh, there are about a million things that they’re going to have to hash out about that incredibly loaded sentence, later. Starting with how Hanzo also has a conscience which would have been affected by such an act, and ending with how he didn’t lose said conscience altogether when he nearly killed Genji all those years ago. But now is not the time, Jesse knows.

“Second,” Hanzo continues and, here, he throws a glare at Genji-- who shrinks back just enough to look cowed but doesn’t unbarnacle himself from where he’s plastered to Hanzo’s side-- and then at Jesse for good measure, which is blatantly unfair because he’d had nothing to do with that shitshow. “Neither one of you asked. Genji chose to ask Ms. Amari for assistance rather than asking his own mate and you, Jesse, chose not to ask anyone at all.”

Also, it had been insensitive and sexist. But that’s apparently neither here nor there. At least, not yet.

Jesse has no doubt whatsoever that revenge will occur when they least expect it, and he’ll be dragged along in whatever it is that Hanzo doles out in retribution.

“Three,” Hanzo concludes in the meantime, “In all seriousness, I am...ill equipped to work with children, least of all one as young as this one. I was unsure as to how to proceed.” His voice and his expression remain aloof, as befitting of the former prince of the Japanese mafia, even though this is clearly a sore point for him. Which, what even? Granted, his methods aren’t exactly normal.

But how could he think--?

Jesse and Genji look at the effortless way in which he’s holding the baby, to the way said baby seems to be utterly content to be cradled in this random stranger’s arms even though he’s swaddled in rough cotton and not much else, and start to laugh.

Hysteria, as it turns out, is the name of the game, and four hours of dealing with a screaming baby will turn anyone to it.

The rest of the trip is surprisingly sedate, and they land in Gibraltar about six hours later, with no actual casualties.

***

Predictably, when they land, Reinhardt and Morrison are lying in wait for a debrief, because both the concept of jet lag and also needing a break goes over their heads-- but it's Hana who latches on with all the ferocity of a particularly clingy two year old.

Even more predictably, it's Hanzo that she does the koala impression with because, try as he might to be as cold hearted and terrible as he tells everyone he is, he has a blind spot the size of Texas and possibly parts of Mexico, where kids are concerned.

Which, Jesse thinks as he watches Lucio come screaming down, just seconds behind her, to latch on to Hanzo’s other side, is just as well.

Try as he might to be prickly and generally unpleasant, Hanzo has always had a way with the younger people in their pseudo organization-- in that said younger people inexplicably attach themselves to him against his will and he's very specifically honor bound to not maim them, kill them, or otherwise physically or mentally scar them for life.

Genji had been responsible for the verbiage way back when, before he'd started to remember just how cunning of a bastard his brother could be when he puts his mind to it and how very lacking his own rules were. 

Now both he and Jesse just spend an uncomfortable amount of time waiting for the other shoe to drop and hoping that Hanzo will follow the spirit in which that rule was laid down, rather than its exact wording.

Neither one of them is looking forward to the day when Hanzo finally snaps and starts burning Lucio’s guitars, one at a time.

But it seems today isn’t going to be that day, because Hanzo smiles at the two of them and raises a gentle eyebrow. “Speak more quietly,” he says and looks down at the dozing bundle in his arms. “He has just begun to sleep and I will be forced to rip out your innards and feed them back to you if he awakens because you could not conduct yourselves in a dignified manner.”

Genji chokes spectacularly, all indignant sputtering and a reluctant sort of fondness, but he can't even say anything because, miracle of miracles, somehow the kids treat his word like a joke rather than the serious threat that it absolutely is.

“Sorry, sorry,” Lucio pseudo-whispers, all ridiculous cheer and bright smiles as he gazes up adoringly (read: disturbingly, and a little worryingly) at Hanzo’s face, like he's hung the moon and stars and created the perfect chord.

Hana nods along. “We’ll be quiet,” she adds on in a decibel that Jesse couldn't _bribe_ her into if he tried. Getting her to be quiet is an inevitable impossibility that they've all resigned themselves to. It only makes sense that Hanzo can succeed where the rest of them have failed, with nothing more than a glance and a couple of quiet words.

Ugh.

“So unfair,” Genji mutters from his position at Jesse’s side and about two feet to the left of Hanzo’s.

Jesse isn't sure if he's talking about the fact that Hanzo is so perfect, the fact that he's been willingly usurped by the more midget sized members of their team, or the fact that he's fully settled into ignoring the two people he’s supposed to love the most.

Either way he agrees and resolves to noogie the two mate-stealing brats at the first opportunity he gets.

***

Debriefing, per usual, is a hell in and of itself, made infinitely worse by the fact that, for every one word response that Hanzo gives, Morrison finds two new questions to ask.

All six of them (Reinhardt, Morrison, Pharah, Genji, himself, and the baby) are crammed into a particularly small, if private room. The resulting body heat alone is enough to make Jesse want to strip and run into the ocean, a problem that is shared amongst all of them except Genji, the bastard.

Hanzo, as usual, isn't dealing with being questioned very well, and it's becoming more and more obvious that the only thing stopping him from throwing somebody out the window (possibly himself, if Jesse’s reading his expression right) is the baby in his arms. Also, if his words become anymore monosyllabic, Jesse thinks, both him and Morrison are going to regress to grunting disdainfully at each other.

Oh and, speaking of the baby, he's started bawling again, at a pitch that feels a lot like someone's taking a hacksaw to Jesse’s brain.

Add in the fit that Hana and Lucio had just finished pitching at being left out (and being kept away from their reluctant pied piper, Jesse is sure) and it's looking like Armageddon all over again.

“At what time, approximately, did you obtain the asset?” Morrison asks.

Hanzo gives him the laser eyes before staring at the wall behind him instead. “23:45,” he responds.

They all sigh.

***

Thankfully for everyone involved, they don’t have to put up with it for much longer.

In the end, it's Morrison himself who puts a stop to the proceedings, a vein throbbing on his forehead in tempo to the kids wailing. “Can't you make that thing stop?” He grits out, like he's forcing the words through his teeth--like he's afraid that if he opens his mouth, his brain is going to come oozing out.

Jesse can feel war in the air, made evident by the silky smile on his mate’s face and the pure annoyance in his eyes. “Oh yes,” he says, all but simpering up at Morrison’s masked face, “please allow me a moment to locate the off switch on this miniature human being. I am sure he has one somewhere. I merely have not discovered it, as of yet.”

Morrison looks like he's all of two seconds away from leaping over the table to murder his own subordinate in a fit of unadulterated rage. Jesse would care under normal circumstances because that's a part of what mate-hood is usually about. As it is, however, Hanzo can more than take care of himself and also, Jesse’s too busy burying his face in Genji’s shoulder to avoid being caught laughing.

“What I meant to ask,” the older man grits out in the meantime, “is why hasn’t it _stopped_.”

Which would be a valid question, Jesse concedes, except he'd been present for the four hour shitfit from before. He knows that the kid could keep going for a while longer yet.

“ _He_ is likely to be tired,” Hanzo pointedly fires back, his expression all exasperation and barely controlled anger, “much like Ms.Amari, Jesse, Genji and I, considering the sheer number of time zones we’ve had to cross in addition to finishing a mission. Not to mention that he was being held captive in a Talon base and was possibly being kept in less than desirable conditions. It would make sense that he needs rest and nourishment.”

For a hot minute, Jesse thinks Morrison is actually going to go off, which wouldn’t be against the grain considering how thick Hanzo is laying on the sarcasm.

But, there's a reason that Morrison has always been everyone’s go to for problem solving and recon. Mostly, it's because he can connect the dots and take a baby and an exhausted Omega and come up with a bloodbath.

Capitulation is easy to come after that sort of mental image, even to the overly stubborn, and Morrison is self aware enough to know when to give up, besides.

“Fine,” he grunts out, his voice straining with the effort of keeping it level, “everybody is dismissed. We’ll reconvene in 24 hours.”

Hanzo is out the door before he's even done with his sentence-- Pharah is quick to follow.

Jesse leans his full weight on Genji and finally laughs himself sick.

“We should probably go find him,” Genji says mildly after this goes on for a few minutes, “preferably _before_ something else goes horribly wrong.

Jesse wheezes in response.

***

They’ve both always had an almost unnatural ability to track down their wayward mate so, in the end, it takes Jesse and Genji no more than five minutes to find Hanzo. But by the time they do, he's already-- well, if Jesse didn't know better, he'd say that Hanzo’s trying to pawn the hellspawn off on someone else. 

Worse, that someone else that he’s trying to push the baby onto looks a whole lot like, well, maybe the distance is just screwing with his vision.

“Is that Lena?” Genji asks in a daze-- because 1) Hanzo is making a legitimate and concerted attempt at passing the child off, 2) it has literally been 5 minutes, what the hell, and 3) it does look like it’s Lena but but Hanzo also has to know that she isn’t the best choice for caretaker, despite her sweet and generally happy demeanor. Right?

Especially considering that she’s just barely old enough, or maybe mature enough, to be out of Hanzo’s kiddie squad. And while Jesse would gladly have her on his team for literally anything, he can’t imagine her trying to change a diaper, or remembering to feed the kid.

And yet, it seems as though this is actually happening.

“He is no trouble, he hardly cries and feeding him is likely to be just as simple.” Hanzo is saying, earnest in his lies as he holds the child out for her to take, which is when Genji finally steps forward.

“Anija,” he scolds as he walks over and plucks the child from Hanzo’s outstretched arms, “please do not utter such lies, it is unbecoming of your. Also, stop trying to pawn the baby off on someone else.” 

“Least of all on someone less equipped than even we are,” he says as he cradles the baby close and ignores Lena’s indignant outcry at the accusation, “We found him and so we must care for him.”

Clearly, that’s when it finally occurs to Lena that she’d almost been stuck with a brat to raise for some indeterminate amount of time. She takes off like a bat out of hell and doesn’t look back even when the baby makes one of his cute cooing noises, because she’s always, always been smart and Jesse’s always admired that about her.

Hanzo looks away and glares into the distance, clearly and very pointedly not bothering to deny his actions nor defending them. “You certainly had no issue with pawning him off on me,” he says, voice silky smooth in a way that means that he is Not Pleased with the situation.

Which is fair, actually. 

Normally, Jesse would absolutely agree that Hanzo shouldn’t have to bear responsibility for something he’d had nothing to do with. 

There are definitely people who are more qualified to handle a baby who’s-- well, who even knows? They certainly don’t, which is a clear indicator of exactly how terrible and inept they are at this, collectively. Except--

Except, this feels really necessary somehow, like Hanzo accepting this new baby into their lives, however temporarily, is possibly the most important thing that could happen right now. Judging from the tense way that Genji is holding himself, Jesse has to assume he feels the same way, which only cements things further. 

Lord knows why, but Hanzo needs to be ok with this-- Genji and he both need Hanzo to be ok with having this baby in their lives-- and since Genji is busy cuddling the baby close and flipping his mask up to make funny faces, it falls on Jesse to do the convincing this time around.

He puts on his best game face.

“Come on darlin,” he says softly as he walks over and wraps his arms around waist, turning him back around to face Genji and the baby under the pretense of nuzzling at his neck, “look at him.” 

Genji is kind enough to hold the baby up at the perfect angle for maximum cuteness, nuzzling at the kid’s chubby cheeks and practically glowing when the baby makes happy half-giggles. The baby is also obliging (which, shocker) because he makes an absolutely adorable cooing noise and pats at Genji’s face as though he’s trying to feel out his caretaker’s smile with his tiny little fingers. 

Jesse decides to lay it on thick, and he doesn’t really even have to try that hard.

“He’s so little,” he says, breaking out the puppy eyes and trying to look sad. “He’s been through so much and now, we’re practically his whole world. Oh darlin, imagine how much it’ll hurt him to find out that the people who’ve been taking such good care of him all this time, just gave him away.”

Hanzo is, in a word, unimpressed. “He has been in our possession for no more than six hours,” he says, deadpan, “and incidentally, who are these ‘people’ to whom you are referring? If I remember correctly, _you_ two failed to comfort him for four hours before I acquired him and cared for him for a mere two. I doubt that we have even made an impression, much less a lasting one.”

In the background, the baby shrieks and does that spit-laughing thing, likely at some face that Genji made to elicit exactly that reaction, the mercenary bastard. 

Jesse makes himself look even more pathetic as he gazes at the scene, before turning back to Hanzo.

“You can put that away,” Hanzo says, voice still flat in that way that says that he’s still pissed, but not enough to completely shun the offender, “I did not allow myself to be taken in when you wanted to take in stray dogs, and I will allow myself to be taken in when you want to bring home stray children.”

But Jesse knows this game, and he knows it well. He may not have been allowed to have the dog, but then, Hanzo hadn’t been invested-- hadn’t put in time and effort, however little, to give the dog care. Not in the way that he’d done for this baby, and so naturally at that.

Whether he likes it not, Hanzo has already formed some sort of connection with the child, and Jesse is not above using it against him if it means that the child gets to stay.

“Come on darlin,” he tries again, this time injecting some real fondness into his voice as he gently buses a kiss onto Hanzo’s forehead, “It won’t be for long. I promise. I don’t wanna leave him with anyone else since we’ve got the best people for the job right here. Please?”

“I think not,” Hanzo replies, voice firm, but he’s also doing that thing where he’s turning his body towards Jesse-- as though he’s considering giving in, if only Jesse were to push the right buttons.

Thankfully, Jesse knows exactly which buttons to push. He discreetly signals for Genji to take over a little bit while he nuzzles into Hanzo’s neck, right where his bond mark is.

Let it be known, that Genji is the most clutch motherfucker that Jesse knows, and Jesse feels even more blessed than usual to be mated to him, in this moment. 

Because Genji knows where to hit to make it count the most and he proves that by draping himself over Hanzo’s back and placing the child right back into his arms-- the child who is, for once, utterly joyful and reaching towards Hanzo as though-- as though--

Jesse feels his heart squeeze and wonders if this is wreaking havoc with Genji’s instincts, too.

“Anija,” Genji whispers and presses a quick kiss to Hanzo’s ear, “How can you say he does not recognize you, when he reaches for you with such joy? He certainly did not react that way when I was holding him. Did he react in that way with you, Jesse?”

Jesse dutifully shakes his head and rubs a gentle palm over the baby’s head, further highlighting how utterly small and fragile the baby is by comparing its skull to his much larger palm. Good lord, but the kid is tiny.

Genji sees the move for what it is and proceeds to place a gentle hand on the baby’s torso.

It covers almost all of the baby’s, well, everything.

Hanzo looks at all this and then squints at them. “I see what you are doing,” he says in a voice that tries to be disapproving but mostly comes across as helpless. “I see what you are doing and I will not stand for this.”

But they have him now; it’s only a matter of waiting him out and giving him a little nudge in the right direction.

“Come on, Han,” Jesse whispers one more time, followed by a quiet, “Please, Anija,” from Genji and in three, two, one--

“Fine,” Hanzo finally gives in with a sigh, trying to look irate but mostly coming across as irritatedly _fond_. “You win.”

“But,” he says as both Jesse and Genji beam at him in utter joy, trying and failing to sound as severe as he’d probably like, “if we are to do this, we will do this well. Or we will not do it at all.”

Hook, line, and sinker.

Genji grins, humble in his victory because he knows better than to crow where Hanzo can hear him. “Whatever you say, Anija.”

Jesse is going to get on his knees and blow this man as soon as the baby is safely out of sight. Maybe they can even spitroast Hanzo. But he puts that thought out of his mind for now. 

After all, it wouldn’t do traumatize the child so soon after his rescue. 

“When this inevitably goes horribly wrong,” Hanzo says, all dire warning and heavy tones despite the fact that he’s cuddling a baby and essentially allowing said baby to play with his fingers, “I will be the first to say that I told you so.”

“Mhm,” Jesse responds, content with the world.

Hanzo scowls. “This will not end well.”

***


End file.
